Lady AEA

Today marks one year.  One year since my beloved Mother made her transition from the presence of mere men to the presence of the King!  One year since time stood still for me.  One year since my best friend came back from the dead to say her goodbyes and then ever so peacefully exited life as we know it here on earth.  Oh she lives on, but in a way I’m sure our minds can’t even began to grasp.

I’ll never forget reading an excerpt from Stormie Omartan the week my Mom transitioned.  It simply said the enemy doesn’t give you a break because you’re going through.  There is no time out flag to play because your loved one passed.  The devil doesn’t play fair…not even when you’re dealing with loss.  He didn’t.  Attacks came…all year long, even lost more family members.  Just as I took my breath from one thing, here came another. 

I’ll be honest with you, 2013 changed my life.  It was the numbest year of my life.  I believe I unconsciously asked God if I could take a year off.  Not from life.  I kept living, kept working, kept singing, kept praying, kept believing…but for a moment I stopped feeling.  Life is different after you lose someone close that you truly loved.  Life was painful and God gave me a year laced with His mercy and grace. He supernaturally covered me until I could stand up inside again.  I looked fine on the outside, but inside my core had to be fortified…by God and God alone. Even as I look back on it now…I stand amazed.  The good mixed with the pain, mixed with the tears…my God!

If we are FB friends, you’ll notice each month on the 8^th I would post in memory of my Mom.  I stopped after the 6^th month.  “I determined within myself that I would not come before folks in sorrow.”  If I make you feel sorrowful, then who is He that makes me glad? How can I talk about God being a comforter if you never see me at some point walk in that comfort?  How can I say God is close to the broken hearted if you never see me eventually walk in wholeness?  How can I say God will give you beauty for ashes if I keep choosing to not accept the beauty ?  There came a point when I had to stop looking at it as woe is me, I lost my Mother, to oh blessed am I that I had 35 years with her in the land of the living.  Blessed am I that God let me kiss her cheeks and play with her hands for as long as I did.  Blessed am I that not only did she usher me into life, she escorted me into a personal relationship with Jesus. Blessed am I that we got to spend so much quality time together.  Blessed am I that out of all the mothers in the world, God gave me the best one for me – Charlie Mae Alexander, and I let her know that while she was living.  Blessed am I to have known an unconditional love like hers that truly loved me…flaws and all.  Blessed am I that my Mother read everything I wrote, watched every video I made and listened to me every time I sang…constantly cheering me on in every endeavor in life.  Blessed am I to have memories of early morning prayer and Bible Study with just she and I.  Blessed am I to have a Mother’s love so strong in life that it still holds me while she has gone on. Blessed am I to have a Mother who taught me not only how to survive, but to thrive.  Blessed am I to have had endless conversations with my Mother about everything and nothing and it all made sense to her.  How blessed am I that my Mother taught me how to cook and love and write and read and how to be a lady!  How blessed am I that I saw my Mother bury her Mother and do it with love, grace and dignity. Blessed am I that God saw fit to give me memories for a lifetime that even death can’t erase.  Oh how blessed am I!!! 

On the 8^th day of the first month of 2013 at 1:35am, God declared it was time for a new beginning in my Mama’s life.  One with no pain, no sickness and no dialysis.  I had to stop looking at it as if she’d left me, but rather she gained her reward for a faithful life following Christ.  There came a point when the beauty of her life outweighed the pain of her death and my heart sincerely said THANK YOU GOD for my Mama!

As this day drew near, believe it or not, I begin to feel lighter and free.  I started to feel again…laugh again, hurt again and yes…even smile again.  It’s as if this invisible shield was gradually being lifted and giving way to a life ready to be lived again.

I love my Mama.  Always have and always will.  Earthly death can’t stop that love. I know many of you are or were concerned for me.  God had me all along.  Every holiday, every valley and every mountaintop.  We’ve been on a journey all year long.  One of love and grace and peace and renewed joy and understanding.  One where yes, tears still flow, but not numb tears or hurt tears.  They are yes I miss you Mama tears, but I’m pressing forward.  

To everyone who thought of me and my Dad, prayed for us, checked on us and loved on us all year.  Thank you!!!  To those special folks who remembered me on this day and begin checking on me even last week.  My heart says THANK YOU!    Day by day I get stronger and stronger.  This year has taught me more about the unconditional love, care and concern of God.  He really loves us.  When you feel it and even when you can’t.  Know that He loves you…He really does.  I stand boldly now and declare what I declared last year at this time…still one year later it rings ever so true…truly you are an amazing God!

Love,
Alexis